Because Khadijah asked: Alternative path to meeting Mr. Right

Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) sent someone to speak with the Prophet (peace be upon him) about marriage. She took the initiative. This also shows that a woman is strong and willing to take charge when needed. The sister has to be a real, genuine person, down to earth (for it to work).

“In general, the idea of you sending someone, respectably speaking, to inquire with tactfulness, and in a good manner – not a “I-have-a-friend-who-likes-you” mentality – with maturity and modesty, is something a mature man, ready for marriage, will appreciate.”

So why not pursue Mr. Right like Khadijah? Sadly, we have ignored this example (and others) from Islam of women sending a “messenger” to inquire on their behalf about marriage and that they were proactively involved in the marriage process.

Sisters accuse others of being desperate when they let others know they are looking to get married. Families believe that a daughter must be sought after and it is shameful for a daughter and her family to approach a man for marriage.

And so, many beautiful, smart, educated, and talented women are waiting and waiting for Mr. Right to knock on their father’s door. It’s time to re-examine our value system, and not forbid or look down upon something approved of and practiced by the best man on the face of the earth and one of the best women in human history, mother of the believers, Khadijah.

If you are ready to consider an alternative option for seeking out Mr. Right, then first, I want to mention that there are rules to this pro-active approach. Here are some guidelines to follow:

1) Never initiate something without your Wali or Mahram having complete knowledge of what is going on. This protects you and the potential Mr. Right from ending up in a situation not pleasing to Allah. You want to go through this process in a Halaal and dignified manner.

2) Send someone you trust to ask on your behalf, without initially revealing your identity. This way, you know if the brother is even available before revealing your personal information. Ask the brother how you and your Wali can contact him. But communication should always go back to your Wali or Mahram.

3) Pray Istikharah. We ask Allah to guide us multiple times everyday in our Salah. But we are blessed to have a special Du’a for decisions.
The reality is that many brothers out there do want to get married, but feel there are so many hurdles to overcome to get there. The first hurdle is fearing rejection.
Women tend to think men always have their act all put together, but they have their own batch of insecurities and fears. It may make things easier for a man to consider you when he already knows you are interested. And if he isn’t, he will be more confident in pursuing the right person for him in the future.

But what about you? Doesn’t this put you on the line to face rejection? Of course it does. You have two choices: Do nothing, and wait, and handle the challenges of just waiting, which is fine if this is the path you want to take. Or be pro-active in searching your Mr. Right and handle the challenges of asking.
We don’t sit and wait for things to come to us in any other aspect of life or worship. Marriage doesn’t have to be an exception. Because Khadijah asked, so can you.

Judging Others

As Muslims, the default assumption we should have about other people in any matter is that they are free of blame. Islam demands fairness and impartiality when it comes to judging others.

Allah says:
"And when you speak, then be just, though it be (against) a relative."
[Noble Quran 6:152]

He also says:
"O you who believe! Stand out firmly for Allah, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of any people make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear Allah. For Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [Noble Quran 5:8]

It is wrong for a person to accuse anyone else of something wrong except with full knowledge and tangible proof.

It is forbidden to base a judgment against someone on hearsay, conjecture or suspicion.
Allah says:
"O you who believe! If a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth, lest you harm people unwittingly, and afterwards become full of repentance for what you have done." [Noble Quran 49:5]

He also warns us:
"O you who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! Some suspicion is a sin."
[Noble Quran 49:12]

In those cases where one is compelled to mention another persons faults, it is best to mention that persons good points as well. It is wrong to exaggerate the importance of the persons error or stress the fault too much, especially if it is possible that the error was an honest mistake or in a matter where the truth is not 100% clear.

If a persons error is clearly manifest and established by solid evidence, then it is not wrong to warn people against the error and clarify the truth. However, that correction must be carried out appropriately, in a gentle manner that does not drive people away. The mistake itself should be corrected without delving into anything beyond that. For example, the person who made the mistake should not be accused of having bad intentions or an evil motive.

Adth-Dthahabi, speaking about the mistakes of the scholars, said the following: [Siyar al-Alam al-Nubala' (14/374)]:

If we were to discredit every person who made mistake in judgment or declare those people as innovators - people who are essentially of good faith and sincerely seek the truth - then scarcely would any of our scholars be spared.